Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
