I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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