I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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