Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
