No awkward lesbian experiences without me
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
