so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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