I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
