Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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