Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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