I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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