I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
