How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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