How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
