the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
