I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
