woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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