Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
