I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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