dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
