I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
