help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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