Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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