omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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