Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You need Xanax blowdarts
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
