i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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