My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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