I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
