you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
