We won't sleep together?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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