Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
