if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
