maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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