Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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