White coat. Heels.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Randomize
