Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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