One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he fucked my hip out of place.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
