i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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