The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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