I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
