I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
