WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
