I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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