dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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