I hate your face
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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