I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
