The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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