im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
