the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
