Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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