East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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