On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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