u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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