i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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