I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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