I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
